You are a Corpse.

It hurts you.

Floating by in the realisation that you are nothing to me.

Deep and Proud - Screaming your beliefs in a manner that you would hope to be portrayed as truth.

"Notice me! I am here, I am smart, I am young! I am rather important and opinionated! What I say must be listened to. Love me, comprehend my poetic garbage and side with me. I am your family. I have to be noticed - side with me."

Attention starved.

Gifted writer?

Yes.

But you still are nothing. You still don't matter. You still are naive and ill-informed. And you shall always remain floating in the distance - you screams for acknowledgement faded out by choice.

You are a corpse... And will always be seen as one.

Nostalgia

I have developed an unhealthy obsession with internet episodes of MTV shows lately. I am sure it's a result from the mountain of overdue work and my desire for distraction from the responsibility I need to grab a hold of.

In this recent bout of procrastination I found myself watching snooty, rich american teens begging their enabling and to blame parents for hundreds and thousands of dollars worth of cars, clothes and venues to celebrate their sweet 16 birthday.

In midst of my irritation, and desire to punch most of these teens in their perfect white smiles, I found myself lost in a cloud of nostalgia about my own sweet 16. The memory flooded back from no where and plastered my face with a contented smile.

My sweet 16 consisted of me returning from school - year 10 at the time, after a normal school day, my home class presenting me with a cake and gifts, and returning home to a surprise banquet of cupcakes, and munchies my mum had set out on a long table for me. I was so happy for the surprise. At this point I had been going out with my partner (of whom I am still with now at 21 years of age) for only a month and was terrified of making a good impression.

I spent ages in my room trying on dress after dress on my then bronzed athletic 16 year old frame, fretting over the perfect outfit to impress my new, hot 18 year old boyfriend. I remember selecting a lilac dress, which looking back - with my long blonde straight hair and fit frame looked amazing. However back then I lacked the confidence and was convinced I looked fat and awkward.

When my partner finally arrived he presented me from a gift from his parents, and a sterling silver necklace, with a heart and blue-stoned locket. It was beautiful! The night was spent taking our first couple photos, and cuddling up to my bmx-clothed, bronzed boyfriend - with a smile planted across my face.

I truly was a lucky girl.

Makes me sit and think - these fabulously rich confident girls who demand the top priced luxuries in life - whine and bitch for items to make them happy.

But who lives the more blessed life? A bitchy rich teen who gets exactly what she wants, bmw's, celebrity clad parties and grand enterances to a crowd of people who are there to be seen and be popular via association....Or the awkward blonde 16 year old Aussie surfer girl glaring into a mirrored wardrobe evaluating a simple dress for a simple party - being spent in the arms of a boy who she has puppy eyes for.

And it all comes back around.

So, an excerpt of a certain blog was brought to my attention today which made me laugh at the irony and hypocrisy which is inherent in life.

The excerpt reads
"I detest relatives who think it is in their best interests to control my likes and dislikes (not that such a monumental feat could ever be achieved). Especially when these preferences pertain to people they know absolutely nothing about.
With all due respect, kindly butt out."

The author and I share this belief in common. As of several months ago someone came back into my life of his own accord, and has changed everything. He and I have shared some of the most painful experiences the world can bring forth, together, and in the time we were separated. These experiences have made us grow, change, and alter our perspective, I believe, making us stronger and more well-rounded people than ever before. This person and I have a long and very close history - and his seeking me out (despite my detest at the application of cliches) is to an extent fate. Something inside of him, without any insight into my situation, sought out contact with me. It was needed.

Him and I have always shared something indescrible. A closeness and understanding, that I am yet to encounter with any other human being in my 21 years roaming the planet. He has the ability to completely change me, understand me, read me - and more importantly destroy me with his actions. And that - is the amazing thing about love. Real love. This person is my best friend, family, support, dependant, tutor, counseller, comedic relief, mentor and lover. I have a history and a mostly unspoken profound bond with him.

We endured a seperation which found us travel apart, with no contact and experienced life independantly in different parts of the country. The reasons for this situation are many and extensive - many of which were kept secret out of respect for each other and the sheer reasoning that there was no reason to involve anyone else in our lives. There was, however, twists in truth about other parts of the situation resulting in harsh perspectives and lies flying around - all of which directed at myself. To which - out of respect for this person, I chose not to defend nor clarify.

Either way the time I spent away from him - I am grateful for. As this provided me, and I believe him, with experiences that whilst harsh and unforgiving at times, benefited us, and our characters. Allowing for strength and growth. Whilst I am grateful for my experience of standing alone in battle in the dark, it is something I am past - and prefer never to go back, now that my hand has been grasped and the lights have been turned on. For whatever reason - he has chosen to do that. They shall remain on. Because we are ready to fight together.

The underlying point of this entry is that relatives and individuals who has no real importance in the situation or understanding of the past, present or future lives of myself and this person - are giving everything they have got, to give ill-informed opinions in the guise of 'loving advice' or are just plainly spitting poison to my character. I have a tough hide these days - and have been through experiences I would never wish on any of those who spit on my name. So it is more distressing that people who claim to be acting out of consideration and concern for him, are actually attacking his character, his choices and his ability to act as a 23 year old man - and stand on his own two feet.

But ahh - the plot thickens. One of the more immature, and ridiculous-acting relatives insisting on a disrespectful and totally ignored input into the situation happens to be the author of the above excerpt. Isn't life grand? ;-)

And so it appears.. the ride just keeps on going...

Reality - Forever out of reach?

The world is like a ride at an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it, you think it's real - because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down, and round and round, and it has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured. And it's fun - for a while.

Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question. 'Is it real? Or is this just a ride?'. And other people have remembered and come back to us and they say, "Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid -ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

"Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride! Shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family - this has to be real."

It's just a ride.

But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that - ever notice that? And we let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because it's just a ride. And we can change that anytime we want. It's only a choice - No effort, no worry, no job, no savings and money.

Just a choice - right now, between fear and love.

- Bill Hicks
Comedian.